Our big, fat, traditional Christmas

Some people have very 'colourful' ways of celebrating Christmas.

For example, some folk in parts of the UK swap clothes and put on masks then go visit their neighbours to put on a play. This has nothing to do with hijacking. It is an actual Christmas tradition called mumming and if you don’t believe me, google it.  

In other parts of the world, kids lie in their beds waiting for a friendly witch to bring them presents. Some families might get lucky because it is said this witch likes to occasionally sweep the floor before she leaves.

In Estonia the folk sit in saunas while Santa leaves presents under their Christmas tree. In Transylvania, folk serve stuffed cabbage on Christmas Eve. 

As I have illustrated, the holiday season comes with so many traditions. However, the most sacred has to be that of the westernised South African. You see, we like to celebrate the birth of Jesus by going shopping at malls. We then like to get into fights with other shoppers for taking our parking and for buying all the items on sale. We then spend our hard earned cash on home shopping network products, because that is what South Africans do. 

We buy some meaningless gift in the hope that it can reconcile a long-standing feud with the recipient, and then act as if we are the better person. The gift card often reads as follows,

‘Dear Suzy. I am sorry for taking your promotion and getting you fired. I also apologise for lying to everyone in the office and telling them that you were in rehab and for calling the animal shelter and telling them you were neglecting your dogs. Please accept this blender as an apology. Hope we can be friends again. xxx.’ 

Whoever said that westerners lacked culture and empathy was very, very misguided. We have loads of both and its called consumerism.

There also seems to be a fundamental rule that applies to those who participate in westernised South African Christmas celebrations. It is the ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas’ rule and it serves as immunity to all potentially humiliating situations. This simply means that one can get horribly drunk at office parties and proceed to humiliate him or herself completely without feeling the least bit embarrassed. The evening will often end with said employee removing all clothing items and streaking down the neighbourhood before passing out on the front lawn at 4am.  

Tradition also states that, on Christmas Day, people in South Africa will kick back and braai by the pool. We will sit in the sun and talk about what Barker has been up to in one of our local soapies. We will then stuff our faces with pap and wors and, afterwards, we will watch Leon Schuster repeats on TV.  Then, after gift-sharing, we will settle in for the night and get ready to do it all over again for New Year. 

At the end of the day, it might not be a traditional white Christmas but we sure know how to celebrate in style and I, for one, can’t wait. So here's to a festive holiday season, everyone.