Twilight fever
There is something very important that needs to be addressed. If we do not do something, I fear that it could be the end of the world as we know it. Even now, as I type this, there is something very sinister lurking about Durban and it has become impossible for us to ignore any longer. I am talking about the Twilight obsession.
You see, I have come to the startling realisation that vampires are working towards world domination. This was unveiled to me when the latest installation to the Twilight saga, Breaking Dawn, hit theatres last week. Never mind the fact that the Secrecy Bill has been approved, never mind the fact that Cop17 has kicked off, or that we are experiencing extreme weather patterns. All that matters (apparently) is the fact that Breaking Dawn has come to cinemas nationwide. Hello, get with the programme!
Don’t get me wrong, I am not against this whole vampire craze that is sweeping our nation, I just happen to be more of a True Blood fan. I prefer my vampire characters to be tough and rugged creatures of the dark, not squeaky-clean adolescent vamps that twinkle in the sun. I want my vamps to be camel men, not Robert Pattinson. And I want them to be sullen and tormented, not in love and having babies.
“Bram Stoker will be turning in his grave if he knew that vampires are having babies these days. Back in his day, that was unheard of," said my brother in a heated anti-Twilight discussion.
“The hype is overrated and the whole thing about vampires that sparkle is just plain stupid,” my fiancé chimes in.
My brother’s friend, Ian, added his two cents worth to the discussion by stating that the story was degrading to love stories all around.
“Not only does it rip into the hearts of true vampire lore, it spits in the eye of all real life love stories,” he said.
“It whisks woman on a wet 'n wild ride of love and they are soooooo taken in by it that real men just can’t live up to the ideal,” he added.
My fiancé chimed in with his conclusion to the conversation by stating that root canal surgery would be a more entertaining experience than having to watch Twilight.
However, to be fair, there is a large part of the world that loves Twilight and I feel they should be defended here. This is how it is:
The fat cats running the productions corporations that have released Twilight to the public are not human. They are part chicken and part human (called Cheople) and they live underground. These Cheople are trying to take over the world. And they are using the Twilight brand to convey subliminal plans for an uprising amongst the Cheople worldwide.
Think about it. Why do the vampires sparkle? There is no valid explanation for this. The only realistic reason is that the twinkling represents the time and date of the Cheople uprising. And they are using mind control to make us vulnerable before infecting us with Twilight Fever.
So, in a desperate move, I have created a quiz to identify those who have been contaminated by Twilight Fever.
Question 1: Name the two stars of the movie, Twilight:
Answer A: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart
Answer B: I am not sure
Answer C: Don’t be stupid, I have manly things to do like drinking beer.
Question 2: What is the name of the wolf boy in Twilight?
Answer A: Jacob
Answer: B: I am not sure
Answer C: Don’t be stupid, I have manly things to do like drinking beer.
Question 3: What is the name of the second Twilight book/movie?
Answer A: New Moon
Answer B: I am not sure
Answer C: Don’t be stupid, I have manly things to do like drinking beer.
Results:
If you scored mostly Bs then Cheople have not yet controlled your mind. You are part of a small minority and it is up to you to save the world from impending doom.
If you scored mosly As then I am afraid it is too late, you already have Twilight Fever (TF).
If you scored mostly Cs then you are suffering from a case of Closet Twilight Fever (CTF). This affects mostly adult males. One of the main symptoms for CTF is wanting to give off the impression of being very manly and completely unaffected by Twilight, however, deep down inside you yearn to see what happens to Edward and Bella.
You see, I have come to the startling realisation that vampires are working towards world domination. This was unveiled to me when the latest installation to the Twilight saga, Breaking Dawn, hit theatres last week. Never mind the fact that the Secrecy Bill has been approved, never mind the fact that Cop17 has kicked off, or that we are experiencing extreme weather patterns. All that matters (apparently) is the fact that Breaking Dawn has come to cinemas nationwide. Hello, get with the programme!
Don’t get me wrong, I am not against this whole vampire craze that is sweeping our nation, I just happen to be more of a True Blood fan. I prefer my vampire characters to be tough and rugged creatures of the dark, not squeaky-clean adolescent vamps that twinkle in the sun. I want my vamps to be camel men, not Robert Pattinson. And I want them to be sullen and tormented, not in love and having babies.
“Bram Stoker will be turning in his grave if he knew that vampires are having babies these days. Back in his day, that was unheard of," said my brother in a heated anti-Twilight discussion.
“The hype is overrated and the whole thing about vampires that sparkle is just plain stupid,” my fiancé chimes in.
My brother’s friend, Ian, added his two cents worth to the discussion by stating that the story was degrading to love stories all around.
“Not only does it rip into the hearts of true vampire lore, it spits in the eye of all real life love stories,” he said.
“It whisks woman on a wet 'n wild ride of love and they are soooooo taken in by it that real men just can’t live up to the ideal,” he added.
My fiancé chimed in with his conclusion to the conversation by stating that root canal surgery would be a more entertaining experience than having to watch Twilight.
However, to be fair, there is a large part of the world that loves Twilight and I feel they should be defended here. This is how it is:
The fat cats running the productions corporations that have released Twilight to the public are not human. They are part chicken and part human (called Cheople) and they live underground. These Cheople are trying to take over the world. And they are using the Twilight brand to convey subliminal plans for an uprising amongst the Cheople worldwide.
Think about it. Why do the vampires sparkle? There is no valid explanation for this. The only realistic reason is that the twinkling represents the time and date of the Cheople uprising. And they are using mind control to make us vulnerable before infecting us with Twilight Fever.
So, in a desperate move, I have created a quiz to identify those who have been contaminated by Twilight Fever.
Question 1: Name the two stars of the movie, Twilight:
Answer A: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart
Answer B: I am not sure
Answer C: Don’t be stupid, I have manly things to do like drinking beer.
Question 2: What is the name of the wolf boy in Twilight?
Answer A: Jacob
Answer: B: I am not sure
Answer C: Don’t be stupid, I have manly things to do like drinking beer.
Question 3: What is the name of the second Twilight book/movie?
Answer A: New Moon
Answer B: I am not sure
Answer C: Don’t be stupid, I have manly things to do like drinking beer.
Results:
If you scored mostly Bs then Cheople have not yet controlled your mind. You are part of a small minority and it is up to you to save the world from impending doom.
If you scored mosly As then I am afraid it is too late, you already have Twilight Fever (TF).
If you scored mostly Cs then you are suffering from a case of Closet Twilight Fever (CTF). This affects mostly adult males. One of the main symptoms for CTF is wanting to give off the impression of being very manly and completely unaffected by Twilight, however, deep down inside you yearn to see what happens to Edward and Bella.
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